Marriages are just like every other interpersonal relationship -- unique. I can't write about marriage in general, but I can write about mine (the little that I know). I have been married for over 15 months, which I have now discovered to be nothing! Strangely enough, I think I can honestly say that I "knew" more about being married before I was married than I do now. I am not even sure if anyone ever truly knows what it means to be married. My grandparents (coming up on 50 years!) told me over Christmas that marriage is very much a dynamic process; you are never done learning. My grandmother is still finding out things that she never knew about her husband!
Everyone thinks they know what marriage will be like -- I know I did. I spun my practicality through my misconceived idea saying, "Oh, I don't really know much, but I do know that marriage will have ups and downs. Marriage will be frustrating. I'll be mad when he doesn't unstack the dishwasher and when he leaves the toilet seat up. But, I'll look past it and love him in spite of it." I think one of the biggest revelations I've had (the first of many, I'm sure) is that marriage is not me putting up with a frustrating husband, instead marriage is me trying not to be that frustrating wife. I wrongly assumed that marriage is all about tolerating and embracing the other one's faults. It's much easier (and healthier) to change yourself than to change the other person.
The idea of change in a marriage was tricky for me. Are you supposed to change? Are you not? How does your relationship change? Is there such a thing as being too comfortable? A lot of things changed after Matt and I were married, but I've found that change is not a bad word at all. Even though we are married, both of us will still be constantly discovering who we are as individuals and as a couple, for I've found that it's not always that people change necessarily, it's that they are discovering and accepting who they truly are. I am not the same person a year ago and I won't be the same in another year. I think the key might be to make sure that I just don't put him in a box declaring that I know who he REALLY is, for if I do that I stop learning and trying and discovering all that I could about my husband and my best friend. I would end the potentiality of our relationship.
Getting back to the title quote (I won't tell you I heard it on Bones because that would probably destroy my pseudo-credibility) ... I love my marriage. I love coming home to a place that Matthew and I have created together. In our relationship, comfort works. In fact, comfort more than works -- that's what helps to sustain us. Now, I'm not saying that I am ready to rest on my laureates and that I'm done -- quite the opposite. Creating a place where we both feel comfortable takes being in tune with one another and the willingness to work. Creating a comfortable life that we love takes a lot of work! I had assumed that comfort was the same as compliance, status quo, or even laziness. Quite thoroughly the opposite with us; without constant communication and the willingness to be flexible our home would not be the same.
To make a marriage work, you have to put it first in your own life. And sometimes, that makes you look like a very boring person.
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